HUMANITY WINS

Inauguration Day 2021.

I’m not going to lie- it has been a long 4 years. A long 4 years.

It brought out a lot of emotion in a lot of us.

It brought out the worst in some of us- being vocal , putting our beliefs into action.

It brought out the best in some of us – being vocal, putting our beliefs into action.

What I do know is this – there is no going back. We have to go forward.

We are all ever evolving and so is our country. We should want to be better – for our country to be better.

Today I feel hope. I haven’t felt hope in a long time like I feel today.

Today, humanity wins.

Social Distancing: day 24

How y’all doing out there ? – or rather, in there – you know, in your house… where you all should be. I hope you are all safe , healthy and sane. I hope you all have enough toilet paper and hand sanitizer and i sure as shit hope all the people who have to be out there have what they need to stay safe to keep the rest of us safe. I don’t want to get political but all my arguments since 2016 have been about humanity and not politics and here we are again – talking about humanity.

My 5 year old has fallen asleep almost every night (since school closed) in my bed. I don’t care. He was anxious before this and if this helps him feel less anxious then I am all in (and also, it makes ME feel less anxious and I also don’t care about that).

AND- I am not going to try to make our house his classroom – I couldn’t even if I wanted to because I have to work from home.

I am lucky- I have my job and income and even though my prior screentime rules are out the window , I get to see my boy every day through a stressful time. I will “teach” in between his TV shows and I will pretend ABCmouse doesn’t count as screentime because we are just trying to get through. Everyone is trying to get through and there is no right way other than STAYING HOME if you can.

Those are the days – the nights , the nights are when I can worry – about his health, my mom”s health, my health, your health – about all the families I work with. I have been dreaming about work- about unsafe things happening (because they will and they are) and I do not wake up rested.

We are at day 24 and for some, you are further along, and must be even more tired. But I know – I KNOW – that we are going to get through because I know – I KNOW – that there is no way BUT through. Even when it is hard and heartbreaking and you are anxious and angry and sad – there is no way but through. This – this is grief and all its stages- and my only ask , besides staying home, is be gentle with yourself.

Hopefully this summer , I will be hugging anyone who gives me consent.

Little miss social worker

Almost 20 years ago I challenged myself to 2 years of work in child protective social work – to see if I could care without either losing my mind or without becoming jaded.

I met a supervisor who became a mentor – who I had the best banter with – every day I cared and i laughed.

I’m going to be honest- not much is better than good banter.

I don’t think I would have lasted 2 years without her and having become friends with her years later – better friends as we both went through some big stuff at the same time and sent one another cards- snail mail cards – it has meant so much.

Sometimes when I think of her passion and humor , I think of how I try to supervise and mentor.

I have met the most amazing people – these child protective social workers –

I can’t watch a movie or TV show without seeing us depicted as uncaring or ignorant and it makes me fucking fume.

People are trying to keep kids safe and make families stronger and it is so gray and there is no crystal ball – you make the best decision you can with the information you have – you try to check your bias or have someone else do it – it is not easy but it is important. We make decisions that impact people’s lives and you never hear a good story about the work we do –

We can’t even tell you because we have to keep confidentiality- we can’t even defend ourselves when we are accused or attacked in the press because of confidentiality. We just keep on keeping on, together.

So, as we approach March – sw appreciation month –

I appreciate you- my people – who go home late to your own families because you are helping other families – who have sleepless nights worrying about the safety of children- who are frustrated with the system but keep on keeping on –

Thank you – and thank you to the mentors out there – who keep us passionate and keep us laughing.

Happy birthday to my 1st supervisor, almost 20 years ago – this blog is for you.

Felicia Day

Anyone who knows me knows my love of film and TV. One day I will write my screenplay- but I chose this social work gig because of my fascination of why people do what they do. My love of the arts is focused on plot and character development. Even though I don’t consider myself a creator anymore, I still admire those who create – real and true to themselves product – NEW and original content. Similar to how I feel about style- just because I choose not to dress with it doesn’t mean I don’t recognize it when I see it. Unlike style (where I know I will never give a flying fuck what I look like)- I KNOW I will create. In the meantime, I am on the sidelines watching those who do.

REWIND 15 years ago-

This show, “Supernatural” began that I watched with my sister and my mom and we all fell in love with the Winchester brothers. A unique female character, Charlie, entered the scene and I loved her. I loved her smarts, her wit, her everything. I remember being a kid and not having many female characters on TV that I felt connected to. It made me happy for the geeky girls of today – I never found my people but i know they are.

I bawled my eyes out when they killed off that character (oops- spoiler alert). I mean, I really bawled – like we were friends. I do this sometimes and I consider it a testament to good storytelling and acting – that someone watching can connect like that to a character (God help me as this show has it’s series finale)

Then i also do this thing when I connect with someone or something they do – then I need to check out all they do out. It is also how I consider myself to have theoretical friends (if they knew me, they’d like me) and also why others might worry I walk the stalker line – but i am all positivity and love – so think what you want – I embrace my weird (pun intended).

So then I read up on Felicia Day and how she’s the Queen of Geek (which somehow a geek like me didn’t know) and she created the 1st big web series (which someone with no tech brain like me clearly missed). She CREATED it – filming it in her house and it hit it big – I am in season 6 now (it ended like 8 years ago). I missed this in the moment it was happening and I am playing catch up.

She was on Buffy and she was in the Dr Horrible sing along blog with my theoretical boyfriend, Nathan Fillion – who reportedly was her boyfriend at one time ( I mean, talk about a kindred spirit!)

She just wrote her 2nd book. I read her 1st and it was real – I listen to her podcast and it is REAL. I have never had time for fake but to put yourself out there is HARD – and to do it with thousands of people listening and some critiquing?- THAT is bravery.

Felicia Day is hardcore. She is sensitive and smart – real and unique. I have become a big time fan.

Donovan and I met her at Boston Comic-Con 2 years ago – it was the only thing I cared about and it was the exact moment he was pissed he couldn’t play on the escalator. I don’t do much for me since having him – not do I care to in all honesty – I mean, I did my shit and I chose to have him – he is my #1 everything but I felt like a suck ass mom smiling in a photo he was sobbing in.

It was great today to meet her again, 2 years later – AND to have my little man talking to her – drawing her a picture. Watching the boy I love talk more than i did to a woman i admire made my heart swell with joy.

So yeah, today I blog about a strong, smart, independent, creative woman with love and admiration because when you feel inspiration, you honor it. I am going to read this book and embrace my weird and I can’t fucking wait to continue the journey and evolution of becoming who i am.

HOUDINI

Where the F have I gone ?!

Why have I stopped writing again?

I stopped my poetry in my mid-twenties when I chose to be happy and had the inability to write it whist happy.

Now, as I see someone who I consider to be a theoretical friend put a book on the market about writing and pushing through anxiety to get it done – I realize how suck ass I’ve been at this and it’s only a G D blog (HOW am I ever going to get a screenplay done?).

So – here we are and the only thing I can think to share is my disappointment in myself. I consider myself a confident person but we all are our toughest critics, no? ( scale of 1 to 10, how Portuguese did I just sound?. Man, I miss my Gram)

BUT, I am going to trudge my single parent by choice self and my little one and only to her book signing to support inspiration.

We have to support each other and we have to be there for each other by showing up – even our theoretical friends.

So … shout out to all my friends. And in the words of Bartles and James – thanks for your support (my dad loved when those guys said that).

Rant

There is a lot I don’t know.

I would like to consider myself self-aware but I don’t know what i might do in a number of situations.

I didn’t know that I would get up after my sister passed away. Every day for a year my only goal was to just get up.

That loss happened to me as an adult. I had appropriate coping skills in my arsenal and loving, supportive people in my corner.

I work with families every day who don’t have appropriate supports and who are still learning appropriate coping skills.

I work with families who are caught in a cycle of poverty, in a cycle of trauma – the kids I see today may be the parents I see tomorrow. Though there are many amazing social workers, teachers, community members etc… out there – there are still minimal resources out there to help end cycles.

I have seen kids who were raped who became moms. I have seen those babies raising babies. I can’t imagine being faced with the decision of whether or not to have a baby – if you’re a teenager or a rape victim or a person whose unborn baby might be born without having the ability to survive after birth or any other situation that exists.

I don’t understand how our government can make a decision for a woman to have to have a child rather than that woman and her medical professional.

I especially don’t understand it when that same government doesn’t provide any supports to those women they MAKE have a child or even BEFORE they HAVE a child (sex education, birth control etc… ).

How do you care about a 6 week old embryo but not a baby/child?

I know there are loving people out there who want to have a baby who can’t- people who want to adopt – I get it and that is heartbreaking too. I know there are people who would never choose to have an abortion or who think they wouldn’t but I would like to think those same loving people wouldn’t want a child to suffer either.

There is a lot I don’t know but I see those suffering kids every day as a child protective social worker and there are too many of them and not enough of us.

Social work appreciation

Since November 2000, I have been working as a social worker. In that time, I have become friends with many social workers i have had the privilege to work alongside.

I appreciate these people and the work they do every day – but March is social work appreciation month (as well as many other things, including MS awareness – shout out to my BFF who continues to kick MS ass on the daily). So, it feels fitting to blog about social work.

I can’t share specific stories because of this thing we call ethics and confidentiality (hence my struggle in developing some type of “the office” style mockumentary) but I can tell you that you don’t know it til you do it.

I see people with true humanity- people who believe in positive change and use themself as an instrument of it. I see people working with the same family struggling with the same issue for years , who celebrate these families incremental gains until the victory is no longer seeing them again.

Imagine the goal of your work being that no one needs you.

These people I am lucky to surround myself with 5 days a week for the past 19 years demonstrate the best of us – working with people who are at their worst. People who there but for the grace of God go I – because no one grows up aspiring to be an addict or a survivor of violence or a perpetrator of violence – no one grows up wanting to abuse or neglect children.

Somehow through the seriousness of our job responsibility we find laughter and friendship- a trauma bond? A kindred spirit ? But we social workers find one another through our shared purpose of trying to do our small part in making the world a better place – one person at a time – one interaction at a time.

I am thankful for you all. Keep on keeping on. Happy social worker appreciation month.

Library adventures

He asked for a scary book.

I told him to ask the librarian.

Librarians are helpful and kind.

He went up to the desk and asked – and SHE asked, “how scary?”

He said, “REALLY scary” and I interjected, “MEDIUM scary.”

I told her that we read 5 minute Halloween stories (but neglected to say DISNEY ones).

She asked him, “how old are you?” And he told her “4”

So the helpful, kind librarian handed us 2 books and off we went.

Later that night we were reading our bedtime stories and chose the “half-minute horrors” book (I mean, Shel Silverstein has minimal pictures and are quick like these so I figured this was the book to start with rather than the 5 MINUTE one. His favorite Shel Silverstein story is the scary one about “The Googies”… the googies are coming- and maybe tonight…).

I scanned through some of the half-minute stories and thought they seemed a bit too grown up and NOT “medium scary” but I thought I found one…

(And i paraphrase…) a girl asks her mom to sit with her til she falls asleep. The girl asks her mom to tell her why Vampires won’t get her and her mom says they can’t come in unless you invite them. She asks about werewolves and her mom tells her that there isn’t a full moon. Then she asks about ghosts and “HER MOTHER PAUSES, LOOKING DOWN AT HER HANDS…”

this is where I realized, “oh shit, where is this going?!” So I take a moment to read ahead and then create my own make-shift ending because I can’t read my FOUR year old –

“…Ghosts don’t want to hurt anyone. If they hurt you, they do it by accident…”

…”what if they hurt me by accident then?”

“…they can only hurt the living…”

Then the mother leans down to kiss the girl goodnight “but it’s like kissing smoke.”

Um, W T F

I don’t remember what make-shift ending I created but I am glad he asks me to make up stories every day and night so I can be quick on my toes.

Because – SPOILER ALERT – the Sixth Sense where the child is the dead one is just a BIT intense for FOUR…

SO… let’s take a poll on what we social workers call APPROPRIATE and if THAT story sounds appropriate for a FOUR year old …

#libraryadventures

Seriously?!

I love my job and also, I love taking a day off here and there – for doctor’s appointments and self care. I like having a minute to watch a movie between appointments or treat myself out to lunch alone.

I do, however, have a gift of choosing said day off when we wind up getting a delayed start or a snow day. I’m not going to lie, it feels like I’ve been cheated.

I even had my son during a blizzard.

It’s not that I want the rest of you to be working while I’m enjoying my day off but you get a snow day while I use a vacation day or sick day.

To top it off, you’d think my super power of being able to predict suck ass weather (as the barometric pressure changes mess my head up) would work quick enough to save my use of a day off that I would have gotten off anyway but alas , twas not to be.

So – enjoy your delayed start/ snow day , you MFers

Slacking

SLACKING: The correlation between procrastination and perfectionism

This I know – I will not do it half-assed… I may not do it til tomorrow – but I will not do it half-assed.

If I do it today- stay the F out of my way til I am done because I cannot do it half-assed.

More than likely, I won’t do it today because when i do it, it needs to be perfectly done and more than likely I haven’t figured out how to do it perfectly yet.

I have always wanted to be in the film industry- always. I LOVE it – I love the the art of storytelling- of character development- making people think and feel deeply. I don’t love to escape – I love to delve in- into worlds, into characters, into plots – and one day, I’m going to write.

I didn’t have the balls to do it at 21 so I decided that I’d try to make a positive change in the world one person at a time rather than through a screenplay that might touch thousands.

I decided to do this thing called social work because I love figuring out why people do what they do and helping. I’ll do it as a back up , i told myself – til i write or while i write… then i found that i was doing EXACTLY what i was supposed to be doing. I found my purpose.

Oscar night is still my Christmas and film is still my love but my screenplay is going to have to wait til my retirement and i won’t regret that- because I can’t write it perfectly right now.

So, here we are and I’m on blog #3 and already I moved from funny to serious but maybe , just maybe, you’re wondering if you’re where you’re supposed to be, doing what you’re supposed to be doing.

If you want my thoughts – you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be , doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing – til you aren’t- then evolve- and stop slacking.